Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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