My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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