Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
