If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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