I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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