Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
