I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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