i need an iv and a liver transplant
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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