Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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