Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
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We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
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Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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