I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
