i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
