my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
