why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
