rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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