im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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