i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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