shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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