U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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