Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
