I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize