tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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