I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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