i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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