A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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