I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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