Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
