The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
