This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
