There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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