so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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