my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He passed out mid-signature
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
