Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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