I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
