Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
