The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
