I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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