i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
