Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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