I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
