I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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