why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
