i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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