god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
