I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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