God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
