Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
My hand turned me down
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
