I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
