who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
