I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
im calling her cock vulture from now on
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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