sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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