He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
