If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
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I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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