Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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