Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
