She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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