Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
